Facebook – God Damn It: A “The 3rd Birthday” (Parasite Eve 3) “Review”

why’s it always gotta be like this, square-enix?

So, it should come as no surprise to anyone that Parasite Eve, the original game on Playstation, is one of my favorite games, ever. It ranked as #18 on my recent Top 100 list (proof: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=469427672837 and for good reason; its blend of sci-fi action and adventure, mixed with classic RPG-style elements made it a breakout game for me in my youth. Add to the fact that it was the first Playstation game I owned and, well, the game holds its special place in my heart for a reason.

I loved the game so much that it didn’t matter what they did with the second game, I bought it. And it was fine. The intense plot of the first game was gone, now replaced with your standard-fare “government organization militarizing evil for the sake of being evil” narrative. But the core gameplay was the same. And, at the base, it allowed me to step into the shoes of sexy-yet-classy Aya Brea again.

not so much THESE days

The second game came out in 1999. So, after almost a decade of waiting, I gave up on a sequel. But they announced this stupidy-titled “The 3rd Birthday” and that it was coming to PSP in 2011 and, well, I scooped it up (after reading a fine review on IGN, no less). Thrilled to step into the shoes of Aya once more, I watched the opening cinema and laughed for joy at the remixed version of the opening theme. It was cool to see them stick to the roots for that (at least).

Then we get to the game… and its dumb. Its just the worst. First off, the RPG elements are gone. You can, yes, equip and upgrade weapons, but you get them as soon as you’ve finished upgrading the previous versions and then the new guns are already better than the old ones, prior to any upgrading. And the “Parasite Powers” – something the first game did well and the second game streamlined – are gone entirely, giving you only a “Limit Break” in the form of a dumbed down “Liberation” (the first game’s greatest move and the only kickass power to return in the second one). You just shoot faster and can run around the screen quicker. La-di-da.

The upgrades for Aya are based on simply killing monsters for experience points, leveling up for extra HP, and not much else. You can boost your in-battle stats on a 3-by-3 grid of stacking “DNA” that is never really explained or detailed. If you stack things wrong, you will lose your hard-stacked stacks, and you can’t unstack the stack once stacked. Its stackingly stupid. The instruction booklet inside the case does its best with one-half page to detail this stuff, but its for naught; at the end of the day, it simply doesn’t mean anything.

boy is this stupid

The gameplay itself can be fun at times, but its just the same thing over-and-over again; enter a room, fight the monsters, duck behind cover, toss a grenade, kill the monsters. Go into next room and repeat. You can’t even pick up anything but ammo and its not even strategic; whatever guns you have, the one box of ammo per room replenishes it all. Don’t pick it up too early, though, otherwise you’re screwed. And the combat itself, while fun, has one thing going for it and, instantly: the Overdive system. This allows you to take over the body of anybody on the battlefield and – at the same time – allows you to enter the monsters themselves to deliver staggeringly easy-to-pull-off finishers that give you bonus EXP and bonus DNA chips, both of which are hardly worth the effort. While switching between people can be a fun boost in strategy from time to time, its dumb because you generally have unlimited guys coming onto screen at any one time and you don’t really need to leave your first Aya unless you want to or suck at the game. She’s got a good enough gun, already. The two times you are in a helicopter, though, are pretty swell.

i wish this game had handed me a gun when i picked it up in best buy, rather than let me buy it

All of this is made worse by the incomprehensible plot. You play as Aya a few years in the future. She has amnesia (always a good start) and you are lead to believe you can fix this by going back in time a bunch of times over. Why you do this, exactly… I don’t know. Its never explained, really. I mean, it kind of is at the end, but not really. It has nothing to do with her powers at all, nothing to do with Mitochondria (which aren’t mentioned. Once. The first game is all about them, the second game features an army utilizing things called NEO-MITOCHONDRIAL CREATURES – Square’s then-answer to Capcom’s Umbrella Corp.), and nothing to do with the fact that she, herself, ages backwards due to her high-levels of super-powered genetics. No, she just can. And she jumps back in time to fight these enemies called “The Twisted” which have no real origin story.

Each one of the games (super short… finished the game in under 7 hours, so…) episodes you travel back in time and stop some event, only to have changed history, meaning you must go back in time again and change a different event, having never changed any event in the first place. I don’t hate this device because its confusing; I get that, once you change something, it doesn’t have to be changed again because… it didn’t happen. I hate this device because, in this game, it is lazy as hell. Because of her amnesia, Aya’s not even the same character, either. In the Playstation games, she runs around as a tough-but-frail hero. In this game she just cowers and moans and cries and, well, its dumb.

Then there are the returning characters (I won’t talk about the new ones because they are all killed halfway through the game and are of little-to-no consequence); Kyle from 2 is about to marry Aya but is shot down by police officers during the wedding. Why? The game LITERALLY never says. They just mow him, the preacher, and – actually – Aya down. Eve, Aya’s “sister” (actually a genetic clone of Aya and her real sister, the one that died prior to the events of the first game… making her also a clone of Eve from PE1) gets shot in the chest… by Aya. And Maeda, one of the first game’s best written characters? Reduced to an out-of-nowhere mentor/scientist character who is now creepy and actually states, at one point, that he bets Aya’s tears taste great. I’m not making that up.

nor would I

Of course, these guys don’t matter; the game is dumb. It introduces no interesting plot points until the final act of the game, but you won’t care. These characters are worthless, their plight is incomprehensible, and their goals are dumb. When you finally jump back in time to see what took place at the wedding, you jump and skip around and find out that Aya was destroyed when Eve somehow (its never explained) jumped into her body to save her from dying (that’s right… the police shot her, too. Wasn’t she on the police force and didn’t she save the entire city of New York in the first game?  Yes. Yes she was and did. Loyalty!). So that meant that Eve went through all the stuff you thought Aya went through, traveled back in time, and – in the end – saved her…younger…self? I guess? from dying. It doesn’t matter. Its just stupid.

The game has some kind of “secret ending” for those that play through the game twice. I might as well do that, cross my fingers that it makes the thing work, plot-wise. I mean, you get to keep your level and guns from your previous playthrough, so why not? I could finish those first levels in half the time, now, and not have to worry about it. Might as well just spend three hours on it, skip the cut-scenes, and work my way there.

Review will be updated after that point, but all-in-all this is the biggest rip-off I’ve ever played in my life. And the biggest slap in the face as a long-time fan of the series. I wish they hadn’t made this game, but – at the same time – am really glad they didn’t name it Parasite Eve 3. It has nothing that made the first game, or hell even the second game, great. It is actually nothing, period.

also when you take damage it shows up as your clothes falling off. way to class this shit up, square-enix. jesus

FINAL SCORE: Don’t even talk to me about it. I don’t want to think about this game anymore. Any game that makes Final Fantasy XIII’s plot seem straightforward and easy-to-grasp shouldn’t even be talked about at length.

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Added March 6, 2017
I tried to get through this game a second time, but I just couldn’t deal with the trauma, so it went back on a shelf for a few years before I finally actually sold the damn thing. Historically, I only sell games if I get an HD version or a collection or something. So you know this game is hot trash.

Added August 30, 2017
Updated title to fit into ‘A “Review”‘ format, added tags, placed in appropriate categories.

Facebook – Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps: A “Review”

As a giant fan of the first Wall Street movie, the sequel (which had LaBeef on the poster, meaning it could easily suck balls) was an essential film to see in the theatre. There is something monstrous about Gordon Gekko – and Michael Douglas’ performance of the iconic character – that demands my attention.

done on purpose. but why? thats the real question. or is it? the answer is yes. or is it?

What followed was a two+hour film that was a totally different beast than the ’87 film about greed, betrayal, and revenge. That film was aggressive in its storytelling and aimed the viewer at one thing: greed is evil (despite the popular line which I will refrain from quoting here). This film is more subdued and tame, taking its time while covering the same three things the first film was about. But this one also has a love story at its center which is off-putting at first, but makes the film complete.

I won’t go into the story too much, here, simply because it is either something you’ll want to see yourself or something you have no interest in. To say I really understand everything in either film, as it pertains to the big money-talk and what you, would be a lie; I in no way understand the bigger workings and goings-ons of trading and I don’t really feel you need to in order to understand and enjoy these films. But I do feel like having a preset disposition against an understanding would keep you from being entertained.

The real reason I had to see this movie was to get more Gekko and what a job Douglas does, here. He is older and perhaps wiser, seemingly less interested in gaining the highest position amongst the players and more focused on reconciliation with his now estranged daughter. There is a scene, actually, that is so powerful between Douglas and Carey Mulligan (playing Gekko’s daughter) that is honest, brutally so, in regards to the severed ties that two people can easily correct with no real work, just the admittance of pain. Mulligan does her best to play off Douglas here and it works, but really the scene is moved along – as is any scene he’s in – by Douglas, who eases into this role with such smooth maneuvering that it seems effortless. Remember, this is the guy that won an Oscar for his portrayal of the same business giant so many years ago.

Of course, his sinister intentions are understood by us, despite the fact that we don’t see any of them until they’ve come to pass. But, then again, we know this character better than the people in the movie because we recognize him as a film character. So falling on old habits is something that doesn’t surprise us, really, but he did fool me. When the moment of pure greed sparkled in his eye, I realized what was going to happen, but before that instance occurred, I had believe – or maybe simply hoped – for a reformed Gordo. Alas.

The rest of the cast does well, and they’d better have, since Douglas doesn’t have nearly as much screen time as he did in the previous film (smart move on Stone’s part). Even LaBeef, whom I usually hate, does a fine job, here. But Josh Brolin’s turn as the “antagonist” in the movie stole every scene he was in, being a powerful player in the Wall Street game. In the case of LaBeef and Mulligan’s romance, it was believable and engaging and painful to watch them go through all the motions they inevitably had to go through.

Is Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps better than the first film? No, its pretty much a different movie, entirely. Stone was wise to drop the “2” from the title, allowing this movie to exist within the same universe as the first movie, but stand on its own with its own narrative. This is a film, though, that you’re going to want to see and then love, or not care to see and then never see. Its as simple as that. But the narrative is tight, the acting is solid, and Gekko is ever-present and a menace. And the Charlie Sheen cameo isn’t nearly as shoehorned in as I would have thought!

RATING: 9/10

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Added March 1, 2017
I wonder if this movie holds up? I own it, it is sitting in my collection with its (vastly superior) predecessor. I should watch them back-to-back sometime.
It sits with a 55% on RT, which I feel is a bit low, but – eh – who am I to say?

Added August 30, 2017
Fixed the title format to match the standard set for these posts, added appropriate tags.

Facebook – “Her Fearful Symmetry” – A “Review”

Everything is tame and interesting and then SUDDENLY its a ghost story. This would be immediately awful if the last book this chick wrote didn’t involve involuntary time travel based upon a man’s genetics. It is, however, still rather tame, but interesting. Niffenegger, again, crafts interesting characters who are all deep and well developed, all relate well with each other, and all move through the narrative with purpose and importance; you couldn’t take one of these people out of the story and have it work (however, I would have suggested the same about Time Traveler’s Wife and, well, that would explain the low quality of the film, now wouldn’t it?).

Overall, Symmetry suffers somewhat from being slow, plodding, and meandering at times. But the text takes on a sinister twist near the closing moments, which redeems it somewhat. And the shorter length makes for a “quicker” read*, but stick with TTW… its much better.

Score: 3.2/5

Side Thought: Never once have I read a book in which they toy around with the idea of ghost sex that is actually interesting. Now I know why.

*picked this book up almost a year ago and have been off/on reading it ever since

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Added February 28, 2017
I don’t remember much about this book, anymore, but I remember the names of the main characters in her first book, so that tells you – really – what we’re dealing with in terms of quality.
Also of note: to this date, I’ve not encountered an interesting use of ghost sex.

Added August 30, 2017
Updated to fit into all appropriate ‘A “Review”‘ requirements.

Facebook – Splice – A “Review”

I’ve made mistakes in the past. One time I proposed to this Russian woman which resulted in crushing me emotionally and keeping me from ever really developing a solid level of trust with any human being since. Since then I haven’t really been capable of developing strong feelings for another woman. I’ve had deep, depressing weeks and days since then. I’ve considered running away from everything I know and love, simply to escape being around people that know what I’ve gone through since then, the shame being so great. Asking that Russian to marry me was an awful decision.

Advocating seeing Splice was a worse one.

I feel such a new level of betrayal from this movie (and Roger Ebert…!). Never before have I been so pleasantly surprised by a movie like this – a modern day sci-fi horror movie, which haven’t been good since the days of Cronenberg’s The Fly or Carpenters The Thing – to have it turn around, slap me in the face, spit in my eye, and shit up my nose, then proceed to rape me until I cough up blood and death.

This movie has everything going for it; good acting, great effects, and a haunting score draped over a timeless Frankenstein-type story.

Then Adrien Brody fucks the creature.

 

I mean what I say there literally, and will say it again.

Adrien Brody fucks the creature.

This turns into a comedy of errors which then results in the the creature growing a penis and raping the main female character.

Again:

The female creature, having been fucked by Adrien Brody, grows a wang and thrusts it into the other lead.

 

This movie is pure bile.

Just… pure bile.

 

Should have married that Russian. She would have never wanted to see this movie. Would have saved me $7.

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Added September 27, 2016
I remember people laughing out loud at the wrong parts (or the right parts, depending on your viewpoint) at the cinema during this movie. Ugh. One of the most accurate reviews I’ve ever drummed up.

Added August 30, 2017
Added appropriate tags.

Facebook – The Short Films of David Lynch: A “Review”

The most distressing thing I have ever had the misfortune of watching late at night, in bed, before sleep since Eraserhead (also by Lynch).

The three words I would use to describe this collection would be “frightening”, “alarming”, and “unnecessary”

There are six films in this collection, although to call some of them films is a bit beyond realistic. One of them clocks in at under a minute, while a few of the rest are barely over two minutes. A couple of them pass the 20-minute mark and those are, no doubt, the best of the bunch. Otherwise, what precedes them and follows them are some of the most distressing things I have had the terrible luck to be interested in.

The six films are as follows:
Six Figures/Men Getting Sick is a short film that was apparently (and quite obviously) looped over some art piece he’d done. Its gross and scary but pretty much just static images paired with his trademark sound.

The Alphabet, running at 3 minutes, is one of the scariest of the bunch. It contains images akin to the things that jump out at you on those joke websites. You know, the ones with the mazes you have to navigate very carefully? Just like those. It is a monster of a three minutes to make it through at midnight.

The Grandmother is the longest film of the bunch and the best one in the collection. I can’t even describe it well enough to give it’s terror level the proper amount of praise. It is just absurd and horrible.

The Amputee is funny. At four minutes, it contains a cameo by Lynch himself. I’m pretty sure the titular character is the Log Lady from Twin Peeks, too. Not that terrifying, especially in comparison to the rest of the films. It is gross, though.

The Cowboy and the Frenchman is OK, but maybe the weakest of the “longer” films. It does have the amazing benefit of having Jack Nance in it, though. What a guy he is.

The final film, Lumière:Premonitions Following an Evil Deed features this image:

That image is only one of the many in the 52 seconds of sheer noise and terror.

Overall, this is worth a viewing if you want to get a feel for the mind and depth of insanity that inhabits Lynch’s inner workings. But otherwise, don’t waste your time. You won’t sleep right.

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Added September 21, 2016
Man, I just rewatched the last film on YouTube. That thing is a horror.
This collection, overall, is pretty great. I had a DVD copy of it, but the “Eraserhead” Criterion cut has the films as bonus features, so I got rid of both to make room.
The whole thing is worth watching to see “The Grandmother” by the way.

Added September 19, 2017
Updated the post to fit into the ‘A “Review”‘ category. Also, this makes me want to immediately watch these short films, though I don’t know that I could do it all at once, these days. Exhausting isn’t even the word to use, but it is as good a word as any.