There is a Reason I Have this Stupid Archive
No, the reason is that, for years and years, Xanga, Facebook, Livejournal, Blogger, and WordPress were my homes on the internet. Funny, really, how they could be considered that, given the fact that the entirety of the web is so vast and huge. But maybe that’s why it worked; the world itself is vast and we all find our homes. But these blogs were more than just a home. It was a collection of places to pour everything I had in me, day in and day out, until feelings, thoughts, dreams, and fears could be put to words and left behind, waiting for me to come back, view my old worries and joys, and reflect upon where I’ve gone since then.
Hence this archive.
Back when I’d started using social media (notably, Xanga), it was mainly as a resource to talk to my friends, family members, and to just say random things. I’ve moved all over, having multiple Xanga accounts, a few Livejournal blogs, an official journal for Drake University, a place to dump thoughts and art on Deviant Art, and many more locations. Too many, to be honest.
But new connectivity within the web has made such a practice obsolete. I mean, take the overwhelming example of Facebook and examine how huge that monstrosity is. There really is no better source for being connected than FB, and that sickens me to a point, but also saddens me because it spelled the untimely demise of my desire to blog on a dedicated site as reverently as I once did. I used to make posts two, three times a day. Never about anything, mind you… typically just one-sentence do-bobs about school, women, some movie, my writing, what have you.
But then, lo-and-behold, a site was made for one-sentence posts: Twitter. Now, I didn’t frequently use that service, what with the aforementioned Facebook providing a basic Twitter feed within its own programming: the status update. It allowed all of us to simply put up a “status” that reflected our current ideas, feelings, or experiences: “Skyler Bartels I really do love the taste of bacon in the morning. There I said it” was so acceptable that having a Twitter account was pointless. I have a Twitter now, since I’ve officially left Facebook for the better part of six-ish years (at the time of this writing), but it isn’t really used to any great effect.
Now, with limited use and/or access to these various “homes”, none of those ideas, feelings, or experiences have a place to rest and be reflected upon. And no new “residents” hang their hats with them.
So now I’m left with these Xanga pages, Blogger sites, and so many more places I used to dump my “self”, with their thousands of entries all chronicling the adventures (and misadventures) of Young Skyler Bartels, as he prepares for days I’ve seen him take, already. He really is a different sort of fellow, this young SB, but a distinctly familiar one, all the same. And I can’t help but feel that, the older he got, the more in depth or involved his posts became. Less and less about turkey sandwiches, you see, and more and more about his life, in general.
I feel like that’s the thing that’s missing for me, these days… that I don’t have that same place to put all these… things. And, above all of that, I don’t have a place to store the things I’ve already left behind. So many things are lost to time: Xanga is dead, I’m not on Facebook, so many sites are defunct or difficult to manage. There is so much “Skyler” that is written and ready to be reviewed, and there was no place to put any of it.
And maybe not having that place is better, maybe it allows me to reflect upon them internally rather than in a public space. But, at the same time, I feel as though its perhaps the wrong way to deal with this stuff. As a writer (so called), I tend to do a better job – even in the moment of writing – of dealing with stuff if I am forced to say it aloud, even if “aloud” translates into “typing it into words.” And though I will say “Nostalgia” is the reason I like to delve into my own past, sometimes having it available to “deal with” is essential for understand my place in life, now.
Now I’m left with this unending desire to store all these “meaningful” posts (mileage may vary), to continue to make them, and just expand the seemingly never-ending deluge of content regarding my life. Not for anyone else, mind you, but for me to be able to go back, review, and re-live. To assess my younger self as he relates to my current self, someplace collected and private.
But isn’t the point of it all to simply have these things be seen? A few years back I typed up a much more down-trodden post on my LJ account about how the places we hide ourselves online, these journals and blogs, are really only ways to be seen, to be heard, either by the masses or by our close few friends. I’d said:
“But, of course, people find and read these outlets, the roads to take often being either apparent or broadcast. Despite the fact that I – and everyone else in the world – want to have private spaces to bury these inner workings, the ultimate failing is that we also want people to know them.”
The thing I try to get at, here, is that we hide these things in places where light can shine on them with ease. Earlier in the same post I make the statement that, even in the age of today’s social media, blogging, vlogging, and Tweeting, we struggle with “the fear of being seen” and how it is of equal value (as far as living, daily horrors is concerned) with “the fear of being invisible.”
If this is the case, why even bother? Why store this content, why add to it, in a public space, available for anyone to view and critique? By now I’m sure we all know that we never present ourselves “as we truly are” to anyone, anywhere. The idea of a “blog” is significant because it produces the possibility of immediate anonymity, that is to say – we can present ourselves with no fear of integral scrutiny, aside from that which we do unto ourselves. But who really keeps a blog in public without the constant fear of those they know seeing it? Its all too easy to find your friends of Live Journal, WordPress, or Twitter. Facebook is equally simple, possibly more so.
And sometimes we want these things to be seen, by specific people. So, either we have to worry that random people we know will see our darker, more real sides, or that we’ll reveal too much to those that we want to have see those sides. As such, the wall is put up, the face put on, and the presentation of our “self” produced for all to see.
If you read through this archive at all, regardless of whether you know me, presently, knew me in the past, or have never even met me, you’ll come into these posts and notes, pictures and entries with some level of pre-conceived notion as to who I am, what I stand for, and what you’ll get out of the whole thing. You might assume something about me that isn’t accurate, or you might know me very well and learn something new. But what version of “Skyler” is the truth, and which is the face put on for the masses? And does it matter?
I guess what I’m trying to get at here is that, through the years – especially when reading back through older posts from a younger, more carefree Skyler Bartels – I’ve found that the blog is no less true and most definitely no less private than simply talking to friends about things. But if there are things we need to work through, things we don’t want friends to see, then where do we go with those demons, those troubles? Do we abandon them? Or simply let them fester? Do we just shrug our shoulder at them and carry on? Or do we continue to search for a viable location to bury them all, to unearth later and hope against hope we have gained enough experience to really, finally tackle the issues that have bothered us for so many years?
I used to keep on the lookout for a place that I can dump these monsters and forget them until such a time as I am capable of slaying them all. I used to be worried that, if the place should never present itself, would I be doomed to leave them in other places? Like Tokka and Rahzar*, would I be forced to unleash them into the public? Would they cause damage? Would they link back to me, showcasing for any and all who see them some darker part of me they shouldn’t see? Or was I to hold on to them and hope I can tame them?
Alternatively, now that I am older and have this archive, have I found a home for these inner-workings? Someplace where time and order can be restored with a level of permanence, and all the various hiding spaces Young Skyler had for his machinations can co-exist within a similar context? Is this a healthy decision? Or damaging as all of Young Skyler’s mind can be linked together and followed, patterns identified and made sense of? If they can be made sense of? Should it be completely private, hidden so only he can see all the dark junk he’s collected? Or, in the spirit of the content’s original use, is it the wise decision to leave them in the public theater for anyone to review?
Are any of these questions worth asking, the answers worth searching for?
For now, I don’t know. I just know that I love the search and I love the places its taken me, starting nearly 15 years ago on a stupid Xanga page and leading me here. Being able to review the journey in all its forms is a blessing and one that no other source of hiding one’s filthy inner-workings can provide (while a diary or journal can the ease of it all being online, with no space taken up, with password protection, and with all of the information backed up and “permanent” destroys its pen-and-paper competition in a heartbeat).
In the end, the fear of being seen vs the fear of being invisible is inconsequential – I feel – to the fear of simply being. Its a curse we all had to deal with at some point in our lives, and one which has direct impact upon everyone we know, and everyone else as well. Learning to deal with simply living is the number one thing I struggle with on a daily basis and the only thing that keeps me going is the hopes that I can stumble through it all enough to get to some answers.
So I present to you this archive in all its glory. It will constantly be updated, with new artifacts unearthed from all over the internet, and with current day meandering mind dumps. You may not understand, you may find some joy hiding in the murk, or you may find the entire concept simply foolish. Regardless of your opinions, just know that having “Skyler” be in one place to examine is a worthwhile venture for me. I continue to hunt for the very core of myself and every layer on the way to the center is helpful and never need to thrown away.
Every piece of me is connected, and discovering the tissues that bind is the reason I am alive. That we’re all alive. I firmly believe this.
Anyhow, with regards,
-Skyler Bartels
*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze reference
-Updated 7/25/2018
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