I’ve constantly used Xanga to unpack and hide nightmares. I have a few new ones.
I hate where my friends are going with their lives. I do. I really do. Because they are places I can neither follow nor tolerate, but I also really wouldn’t want to do either of them.
Add to this the fact that I am angry all the time, right now… I’m becoming a very angry person. Because of a few specific individuals in my life. And the fact that I love one of them despite her stupidity, and I’m trying desperately to STOP loving the other one because of his.
There is that thing people say – “couldn’t care less” – about things. This time its true. I really couldn’t care less about most of these problems. But they are my problems by simple lived association. Horrors and terrors, they are. These things cause me to hate a lot of things.
Also, I’m slowly starting to (finally) get ACTUALLY lonely. Over a year of being “officially” single, now (1.5 years, I think) and I’m just now starting to want that connection back. I haven’t repaired any of the damage done, I don’t think. None of it. I think I’m still dealing with a heart in a jar, burned to a crisp, stomped upon, and kicked around town a few times. I don’t think its even close to being ready to come out of that damned jar. I haven’t even looked at it in so long.
Scared, angry, and lonely. Depressed, then, too. And overworked. So I’ve got tired on there, up on top.
Anxious about tomorrows. I’m always anxious about those, though. So, you know, there’s that. I mean, if you aren’t fearing the future… what are you doing with it?
The past, though, is where the true abominations live. The past is where everything is dead. The past is where dead things can regain life, too. The past is a strange and sick place.
The present?
I don’t believe in it.
Here’s what I can believe in: I will never punch a cat in the jaw. I believe that to be more than true.
Added September 7, 2016
I was in an odd place. That jar, with its blackened contents, rested on that shelf far longer than it had in years. Longer than this post indicates, even. It has healed and is comfortably resting on someone else’s shelf.
Young Skyler, much like any iteration of him, has a penchant to be over-dramatic. I love him for it.
skylerbartels 