Frequently Mentioned Truths – Waiting Here Along the Way to Blue

The sun will shine, the bottom line
I follow you

Song is getting better. Almost have that stupid time signature thing figured out. If I can master that, then I can work on the next part. Stupid piano being stupid hard. Hmph!

While watching an episode of Frasier today I had a thought:
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

Then I remembered that this was a Woody Allen bit and I stopped thinking I was profound.

I was mowing the yard today and had a flashback to when I was in seventh grade or, to be more accurate, the summer between seventh and eighth grade. I had made a promise to myself that I would only ever try to be good and just, that I would serve myself and everyone else in a fair and balanced fashion. This,of course, was just a way for me to avoid admitting that I sucked at talking to people in general and that I never really had many friends. In the end, though, I think this is a fair assessment of my life from that point on until my final year of high school, where – instead of treating everyone as equals – I treated everyone as equals under me. I don’t know why I thought of this while mowing the yard. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I hated many people my senior year and that I also hate mowing the yard. Hate is a strong word. But I hated people. I don’t hate many people anymore.

Tomorrow at work I will attempt to chart out a map for the rest of my 2008. It will be boring and work-filled, but at least I’ll have a course of action to take. I need to get back on this horse and ride it. Also, I need to shave again. I look like a diseased hobo right now. Or, I guess, just a hobo. Diseased is probably slightly redundant.

Looking forward to a new day with new adventures and the same old sad realizations that the world is only ever going to be as depressing as it always has been.

Current Location: here, there, everywhere

Current Mood: sleepy

Current Music: machine gun – portishead

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Added March 31, 2016
I was watching a LOT of Frasier, back then. Frasier and Bones.
I remember the piano part(s) I worked on during this time. Funny how complete emotional destruction results in unlocked creative drive. Always is the case for me, anyhow.

Frequently Mentioned Truths – Knocked to the Ground by the Subtle Thunder

Gettin’ lost in the folds of your skirt
How I suffer the sweetest condition

I have said things, now, that have made me feel better than anything else has in a month’s time.

Let me just add one final thought:

Don’t fuck around with Skyler C. Bartels. Just… just don’t do it.

Current Location: both inside and outside the human soul

Current Mood: jubilant

Current Music: personal jesus – depeche mode

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March 31, 2016
I don’t remember exactly what was said, just that I’d gotten a chance to talk to the ex and said some really deep, hurtful stuff that DID sting her quite a bit. I’ve always been good at tearing people down when I need to, but that’s because I see it like a game; where are the weak points and how to get the high score?

Facebook – The Straight Shit Express

I just want everyone to know two quick things:

1.) While I am in fact single and, yes, over most of my desire to reconcile my surprise breakup, the fact remains that I’m still in love and still way too hurt to think about anything else right now. I have had four different people (who will remain nameless) basically ask me out or state some interest in a future of dating and so forth. Let me be clear: I mean no offense when I say I am simply not ready to think about anyone but myself and focus on the giant hole I have in me. As I told another friend, I currently have too much going on to even “fill an empty grave”.

I love you all and I am flattered, but give me some time, please.

2.) I suck at the piano.

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Added September 19, 2016
While it is 100% factual that I was pursued by a few different people immediately post The Russian, it should absolutely be noted that it was far less people than I make it out to be, here, and will continue to suggest in the coming chronology.

Frequently Mentioned Truths – Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems.

You can talk to me, you can talk to me,
If you’re lonely you can talk to me.

Hotmail. Hotmail. Can’t log in. I was expecting an important email and now I can’t log in. Something about my password being incorrect. If someone hacked in there and messed with my Hotmail accout after all these years (I’ve had that account since probably seventh grade) I will be very pissed. I’ve got things in there, emails I’ve saved from my sister, which I need. I need them. Currently I’m locked out because I’ve “tried to log in too many times” but thats bogus, because that password for Hotmail is something I know like the back of my hand. So either someone else tried to log in, or someone got in and changed it. I hope, for the sake of whoever tried, that they failed. If I lose those emails I’ll build a time machine, find the person responsible, and I’ll punch them while they are still in their mother’s belly. From the womb to the tomb in one afternoon. That’s right.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

Today, I find, I miss my sister.

Current Location: outside, shouting at trees

Current Mood: annoyed

Current Music: divinity – the future sound of London

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Added March 31, 2016
“From the womb to the tomb in one afternoon” – brilliance.
I never did get back into that Hotmail account. That this is true is beyond crushing.

Frequently Mentioned Truths – Things Change, Like the Patterns and Shades that Fall From the Sun

And if you need a friend I’ll be sailing
right by your side
Can’t imagine how I’m supposed to write my own time signature. I’m working on a piano piece that has one hand in 4/4 time and the other, bass hand in something more akin to 5/9 time. It doesn’t make sense. If I could combine the two together I could use my basic drumming skills to count it out. But as it stands right now, I just suck too much at the piano to train one hand one thing and the other something different. Probably a bad sign or at least a sign that I need to practice more (often).

Previously I had told a friend that I would not only be doing myself no further favors, but that I would also simply stop talking to almost everyone. The favors thing was an inside joke that she wasn’t a part of anyhow, but the whole “stop talking to almost everyone” bit is true. I lack the connectivity to relate to anyone right now, anyhow. The things I need are sitting in a jar, badly burned, and trying not to turn to dust and blow away. I had missed that jar ever so much. Now the two of us get to spend more time together.

Regardless, I can’t help but feel like nothing in the world is more important than my grief. I go to work and I smile and get a lot of money, then I come home and entertain myself until I can go to sleep and start over again. There was a time in which I had something in between the work and the sleep, though. Now I find I can hardly stay awake long enough now, anyway. I’m too tired by 10:30 that I simply couldn’t function anyhow. And yet, I’m still god awful tired when I wake up in the morning. Alas, life is not but a bitter taste left after promises of sweet relief (I don’t know what I’m saying).

I’m going to work on that song. And I’m going to post it on YouTube. I want the world to see what I look like, now. What I do, now. I want the world to know that I can’t be fixed right now and that what I need is for it to keep moving and not try to stop to let me back on. I’m OK watching it spin for a bit. I won’t watch it, but I’m OK knowing its spinning. Actually, I don’t care if it spins or stops, just so long as it leaves me the hell alone for a few weeks.

Let me just say this: Where in the world am I ever going to find the time to fill an empty grave?

Time to clear the cobwebs…

Current Location: somewhere in the kingdom of Ivalice

Current Mood: indifferent

Current Music: synesthesia – porcupine tree

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Added March 31, 2016
The absolute best part is that I admit, in the post, that I don’t know what I’m talking about when I write those “deep” sentences about things like bitter tastes. Retarded.
And then I immediately turn around and spew BS about empty graves. Ha, what a goon.
I don’t think I ever posted anything on YouTube…

Added April 13, 2017
Removed a duplicate image and corrected a typo in the previous commentary.

HM – Fact or Fiction

Fact or Fiction?

 

God has a “plan” for all of us.

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Added September 19, 2016
Fiction.

Frequently Mentioned Truths – Scars in the Country, Summer, and Her

Don’t look back into the black;
Don’t let the memory of a sound drag you down.

Learning to play the piano again. Its hard work. I sucked at it when I used to play and now that I’m trying again I remember almost nothing. Although I did figure out the notes again and how to read sheet music. I’m learning stuff I haven’t played in years and some new stuff. I am also writing music. Its terrible but I’m taking my time and getting it right, unlike all the guitar things I tried to put together over the years. Garbage (not covers of songs by the band Garbage, just really stinky music).

Jogging, too. No good at it, but I’ll keep at it and do OK eventually. I run out of breath and I’m spent by the time I’m done lacing my shoes. Not going to serve me very well in the end, I’d wager. Going to eventually take the dog running with me. Hope to get her in shape and work some of that stuff out.

I was writing, too. Letters and such. Story of Everybody Stills. He was doing better after over a year and a half(ish) of being stuck in a bathroom. But I’ve moved on. I’m going to write a sitcom pilot. I tried, before, and got pretty far but I gave up. Creative differences with myself. Now I’m going to push forward and actually deliver an entire script of a show. Won’t do anything with it. But I’ll write it. I need to write.

Making mistakes every day now, it seems. Good mistakes, bad mistakes. Mistakes all the same. Plenty of mistakes over the weekend. Plenty of mistakes in talking to people I shouldn’t about things I should leave in the dirt. I need time to do nothing, to linger in the present as the future becomes the past around me. Have to look past saying things like “I think this new Britney Spears single is actually pretty good” and/or admit I should have said nothing at all and simply allowed myself to enjoy the moment. I’m not overthinking, I’m not thinking, period. Maybe someday, somewhere, I’ll find out where Skyler Bartels went and catch him. Until then, I’m stuck being Sklar Bartel, annoying office worker.

Some things, I’m afraid, will never change. Or they will all change. Time, it seems, is only ever going to be an enemy of the people. And I’m a people.

 

Don’t look down; Shut it down

Current Location: the dark and empty road of being alone

Current Mood: melancholy

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Added March 31, 2016
Sklar. MLMH messed up, somewhere, and spelled my name that way. Jerks. I was the butt of many a joke, that day.
I started jogging because Mrs. Chloupek said I had a beer belly. I hardly drank, back then, so I wonder what she’d think if she saw me, today!?
I’m still a people.

HM – No One Really Does, Young Skyler

when nothing works anymore, one turns to god.

 

 

 

“jeez, god! why doesn’t anything work anymore?”

 

 

 

i don’t know what i’m doing.

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Added September 19, 2016
Don’t worry, you’ll soon figure it out: No one knows what they’re doing. Accepting this is integral to figuring out the meaning of life.

Frequently Mentioned Truths – Whatever, “Punky Brewster”

“Tree cracked and mountain cried
Bridges broke, window sighed
Cells grew up and rivers burst
Sound obscured and sense reversed”Back from this thing what I went to. Tired and silly. Had about as much fun as I could have without being on some kind of substance.

Mayhaps its time to say goodbye to the smelly old man in the corner once again.
Mayhaps its time for things to go back to normal (“but what’s normal now anyhow?”)
Mayhaps I should start rebuilding walls.

While I had a lot of fun, I still spent a majority of my time trying to figure out the world since she left. Aaron Jaco likened her absence to the death of a loved one which, to be fair, is a pretty shallow comparison. I at least know she’s out there and, on occasion can get her to at least yell at me on the phone. There are some people who can’t yell at me. But something about his comparison did ring true, and that is the part about death.

I’m in a stage, now, where I can not but do anything without her popping into my mind. It sucks. A lot. I need to move on and “stop torturing her” (although, while I can understand its not easy for her to deal with this or my reactions to it, I beg the question: who is torturing who, here?). But I can’t. Not yet. Everything brings about her face or her smile. She makes the claim “funny how they promise to love you forever” and I do. I will, likely, love her for the rest of my life. Maybe not in the same way or to the same capacity, but I will love her. And, again, to be fair she promised me the same thing.

I’m not ready. I wasn’t ready for this and I’m sorry if that makes me a terrible human being and a bad ex-boyfriend. But I still feel that nothing I did would have caused this situation. I still think I may have made mistakes (overly likely) but nothing so severe that it was deemed punishable by breakup.

You ripped me apart, lady. I don’t heal quick and I won’t heal well.

Current Location: the mind’s eye

Current Mood: groggy

Current Music: stars die – porcupine tree

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Added March 31, 2016
You know, looking back, I still think I was in the right during every last part of that stupid trip to L.A. – Aliona, if you’re out there somewhere: you were a dumb cunt back then. But I forgive you.

Frequently Mentioned Truths – HOLIDAY PARTY THING (Couple Other Things, Too)

Turns out that its good to have friends in the best of places (and more than two of them).

My friend from high school, Amber asked me to join her at her company’s holiday party. She, too, recently found herself single and – as such – has no one to join her. So she asked me to join her, knowing of my idiotic situation with an unnamed (hint: Aliona) emotionally blind, childlike female of foreign decent. And, since I have nothing better going on, I figured I’d go. This way, we two broken shells of humans, both of whom have had nothing but shit spread across our lives for the past few weeks, can languish our sad lots in life and laugh at our foolish mistakes.

The good: Amber and I are great friends and we never get to see each other anymore. This is because she’s in Lincoln and I’ve been in Des Moines. This rocks, though, as my recent trip to Des Moines ended poorly because everything there reminded me of the fantastic year I spent with the love of my life (I know, I contradicted myself here by saying she sucks and then saying I love her. Try not to blow your immature mind over that) in that city (PS: Des Moines might not be that great a city and sure isn’t as large as L.A., but you know what? L.A. can be cool, but where my ex-Aliona lives? It’s an asshole. A big, festering asshole. If I wanted to remove her from under her parents’ wing, it was mostly just to get her into a place she deserved to live in. But, I guess, she’s living in an asshole. And that’s maybe a bit too good for her, right now).

The bad: Amber and I were on the verge of “having something” back in high school, right before my sister passed away. I figured it was not in my best interests to try to make something of that post 10/10 since I couldn’t even promise myself it wasn’t just a way to cope. Now we’re both hurting and single, so… that could make something happen. Also, we’ll both be dressed really well (I’m getting a tux! :D) and I love almost any chick in a nice dress. Also, her ex-boyfriend just moved everything out of their house aside from her belongings and she only has her bed and no couch, even. She’s already invited me to share her large bed. This will be problematic for two reasons: First, I don’t know how much anyone will drink (well, I know how much I’ll drink, but…). Second, I make jokes all the time. Drunk + jokes + same bed + dual breakups + all alone in home + nice time out in fancy clothes = ??????????? UUUUUH OOOOH!

I’ll just have to be my usual, extra-nice self.

OTHER QUICK NOTES:

Bones: This TV show is awesome. Spent my day off today sitting on my rump in a nice, warm bathrobe forgetting my issues and delving into that show. Wooo!

Oh, that might be it. Whoops. Uh……………………………………

I LOVE EVERYONE!!!

Current Location: in bed, on buba II (the psp)

Current Mood: energetic

Current Music: summer – blackfield

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Added March 31, 2016
I needed that trip more than I could ever say, really. It was a great time and it was nice to be someone’s “date” even if it was in name only.