November 2008 – Page 2 – skylerbartels

Frequently Mentioned Truths – I Looked to the Future and Melted Away

Let’s go down with the ship
Let’s slip into oblivion

Feelin’ no better today, really, than I did yesterday. But, thank God, its my day off so I can just nap through most of the day. I do suppose, however, that I have some desire to eat so I must be doing somewhat better. Can’t help but wonder, though, if its not just a passing phase. Oh well, eh?

Zak comes home today. I’ll give him a royal high five. I’ve started to call him “9:30, big and flirty” for absolutely no reason. I love my siblings.

Yesterday I ran into the Girl from Work. Like, I actually ran into her. I was holding papers and she was holding papers and they all went flying into the air. As we were on the ground, on our knees rummaging through them, I stopped and said to her “if we were in a movie right now, we’d inch closer and closer until we were making out” and she replied, almost instantly “if we were in a movie, we’d be doing this in a high school cafeteria, not the surgical waiting room of a hospital” and then we both laughed. Yes, we’d both said that stuff while sick patients were all around us. It was sad sack. Turns out she’s kinda funny? Oh well.

I’m running out of things to say to fill the gaps, it seems. Alas, all that’s left is a sinking ship.

Current Location: the “weekend”

Current Mood: crappy

crappy

Current Music: magical mystery tour – the beatles

Added March 31, 2016
That honestly happened. It is the most sitcom/movie thing that has ever happened in my life, without question.
At least I was always aware enough to know that I was “filling gaps” – I’m fine with pathetic lashing out in any fashion so long as there is self-awareness.
Which is just as messed up, actually…

HM – Whatever I Can

can’t believe i’m saying this

but

i’m probably going to break at some point here and then make a foolish attempt to “do whatever i can” to win aliona back.

its sad sack.

Added September 19, 2016
I don’t know where you are, Knapp, but wherever that may be:
Thank you.
Even if it wasn’t in a huge way, your words really helped me make solid choices and not do some dumb(er) stuff.
Glad I didn’t go this route, is what I’m saying.

Frequently Mentioned Truths – Because Only One Leads to You

When one gives me permission then I enter through the eyes
She’s losing her virginity and all the will to compromise

I’m sicker, now, than I was this morning. Wish that weren’t the case.

Mostly posting just to say I can’t really be too depressed, right now. After finding out a friend of mine is suffering from post-breakup angst in ways that make my depression look like nothing, I have found out that I have many things I’m thankful for (ironic that this is near Thanksgiving). She has entertained ending her life, has started to cut herself, and is even seeking therapy as a result. And this was almost a year ago that they broke up. I feel really bad for her and can’t even come close to saying I’m in the same boat at all.

So, while I’m still sad about the events, I find I have a long way to go before hitting the bottom. I need to work my magic on myself and get out of this funk. Then – and only then – can I actually make strides at rebuilding.

Also of note: Told Daryl today that all of her current problems stem from both an extreme case of secret loneliness and an overly minimal case of horniness. I have yet to extrapolate past that, but really she just needs to accept this situation and her problems will start to float away.

Also of note 2: Totally helped my younger bro work up the courage to both ask a chick out and to get her over to his place. Now his charm and my old couch are teamed up. Only time will tell if that will be enough. I have faith, though, that things will go very, very well.

OTHER NEWS:
I dream about you every night.

The previous image is in no way related

Current Location: should be at the dr.’s office

Current Mood: worried

worried

Current Music: three doors – vast

Added March 31, 2016
That old couch should have been burned into ash if it wasn’t. More gross things happened on that couch than any one person should have been able to accomplish.
I remember giving all this advice and I remember the foolishness of me giving it during this time. But I think it was all OK, in the end. I hate tooting my own horn, but I give good advice.

Frequently Mentioned Truths – And the Quicker You Get Sicker

She’ll burn you like
a mid-day sun

I look and smell as good as a week-dead hobo. And I feel a little worse. But I can’t not go into work today. If I don’t go to work I’ll never get paid and if I don’t get paid, well, then I guess I won’t get to live out my life the way I want to. And if I don’t do that, I suppose I’ll just have to keep on making blog posts here to complain about it.

Today I have the same symptoms but a few news ones to add. First off, I have a cough, now. Its not too bad, but its not great by any means. Second, I’m having dizzy spells when I stand up (or if I sit up too fast). This can’t be good. But I have to go to work anyhow. I can’t not go (deja vu…).

Thanksgiving week is here. Food and family and fucked up times to be had. Pete will be home on Wednesday and Zak will be home at some point on Tuesday night. I don’t work either day so you can bet your mother’s last dime that I’ll be gross looking and smelly when they get home (I’m pretty much that way, now). The turkey is already thawing and the rest of the food is gathering. It will be good times, I assure myself. I miss having entire family gatherings, though. I miss a lot of stupid stuff.

Yesterday I “helped” put up the rest of the Christmas stuff outside. Lights and lawn ornaments and junk like that. I’m not the biggest fan, but I know my folks take a lot of pride in that stuff and they put a lot of effort into it, too. Seeing them excited over the finished product is often times enough for me to look at them, the lights, and then them again and go “Yeah, my folks are nerds, but kinda cool at the same time.”

Maybe someday we’ll get back the things we lost, the things we left, and the things we forgot. Only then can the holes be filled.

Current Location: THESE UNITED STATES

Current Mood: sore

sore

Current Music: the rainbow connection – kermit the frog

March 31, 2016
I haven’t had a “BIG” Bartels family Thanksgiving in forever. Maybe its because I hate my father?
I don’t care how excited my parents get about XMas lights, anymore. Maybe its because I hate my father?
I hate my father. Maybe its because I hate my father?

Frequently Mentioned Truths – If You Refuse Me, Baby You’ll Lose Me

California! – Really nice to the homeless!
Cal-i-for-ni-i-ya! – Super cool to the homeless!

I couldn’t be sicker. I couldn’t be. Aside from those other times when I was much, much sicker.

Last night I went out to see the new Bond film (finally) and it was a treat and a spectacle of wonder. The opening car chase is one of the best chases I’ve ever seen. It was just raw. There were few zany stunts during the tunnels and the downward, spiraling slopes that it seemed like something I could see if I was really lucky. I really enjoyed it and it made me forget many things. Sometimes, Bond is all you need I guess.

I’ve got a headache, though. And a sore throat. I can’t swallow or breathe through my nose. My stomach aches if I do anything with it, and I guess I lack energy. I think I’m coming down with the flu which would – by the way – prove something I’ve always said about flu shots true: you don’t get the disease until you get the shot for it. Orange juice and my favorite Wal-profin are on the job, however, supplying me with my necessary dosage of good time tasty fun and pain relief.

I might have a date next Saturday night. Might. Otherwise I won’t. I don’t know. She understood where I was coming from when I talked to her last night, that I wasn’t ready for a big move and she said she, too, was fresh off something great and was just looking to have “good times” and, well, I like good times. So we’ll see. I can’t help but think I’m not going to go out, though.

I’m cold.

Current Location: in bed, feelin’ like death

Current Mood: sick

sick

Current Music: stupid christmas songs

Added March 31, 2016
That was the last “OK” Bond movie, Quantum of Solace. And it was just that: OK.
I had no business trying to go on dates at this point. It was all to get back at Aliona. It always was. And it didn’t lead to anything great. Aside from getting slapped.

Frequently Mentioned Truths – When the Pigs are Flying, and its Freezing Cold in Hell

(Give me reason!)
The quest for truth!

So two quick things;

First up, I snagged a girl’s phone number. I’ve still got it, apparently. All I had to do was tell a bunch of jokes and then abruptly ask for a phone number. Even when depressed off his rump, Skyler’s still got that charm. Also: she is a radiology tech which means many things and nothing at the same time. Whooboy.

Second up, not that interested in giving her a call. Primary reason: I’m too busy right now. I work about 50 hours a week (and then some) and then I’m too tired to do anything else. Plus, what with the holidays coming up, I really am not interested in starting something I know in my “heart of hearts” I don’t intend to finish. Secondary reason: Still too tied to the past to make a real effort anyhow. Not saying this will be how it is for me forever, but currently it is. I’m just happy I’ve still got all my required skills. Third reason: Can’t prove to myself that I wouldn’t be asking her out simply to either get even with or get over my ex-Aliona. I can’t do anything until I’m sure of that.

Other quick note: Working on this song is killing me, too. God, I suck at the piano.

Current Location: outside, putting up xmas junk

Current Mood:

listless

Current Music: blue – vast

Added March 31, 2016
That didn’t stop me from eventually calling her. Obviously.
I got extremely sick over Thanksgiving 2008. It was quite awful. I remember it because I’d used all my PTO going to CA to see The Russian and couldn’t afford to take time off for being sick. It was crap and my own fault. Especially crappy since going to CA wasn’t worth it, anyhow.

Frequently Mentioned Truths – Me and All the Forms it Takes

Soon we’ll be away from here,
step on the gas and wipe that tear away…

Today I miss the connection. The one true source of my life’s constant flow forward. Now the river is damned (play on words) and the fish are starting to die. Someday…

Skyler: someone told me recently though that the universe never creates singular situations or unique things. that everything is in a pattern and happens again and again and that, based on that law of the universe, everyone has multiple opportunities to take part in the pattern. including love and such

Leah: oooh that’s kind of cool

Skyler: yeah it is. but i told her that i hated that idea because that gave me as much of a chance of finding love as it does making me the next hitler

Leah: hahaha

Skyler: i don’t wanna be hitler

Leah: how do you feel about jewish people?

One sweet dream came true today…

Current Location: in the bathroom with a stomach ache

Current Mood:

depressed

Current Music: abbey road – the beatles

Added March 31, 2016
Sometimes I am accused of fabricating conversations with people for laughs. This is an instance in which someone said I’d made it up.
I didn’t.

That blurb is awesome and I’m proud to broadcast it multiple times during this archive.

HM – Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow

Leah: oooh that’s kind of cool

Skyler: yeah it is. but i told her that i hated that idea because that gave me as much of a chance of finding love as it does making me the next hitler

Leah: hahaha

Skyler: i don’t wanna be hitler

Leah: how do you feel about jewish people?

Added September 19, 2016
Another repeat across multiple outlets, this is just a solid segment of text. So I’ll leave it up, twice.

Facebook – Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow

Skyler:
someone told me recently though that the universe never creates singular situations or unique things. that everything is in a pattern and happens again and again and that, based on that law of the universe, everyone has multiple opportunities to take part in the pattern. including love and such

Leah:
oooh that’s kind of cool

Skyler:
yeah it is. but i told her that i hated that idea because that gave me as much of a chance of finding love as it does making me the next hitler

Leah:
hahaha

Skyler:
i don’t wanna be hitler

Leah:
how do you feel about jewish people?

IMAGE REUSED FOR PRACTICAL REASONS (also because i love that i spent the time mspainting in braille)

Added September 19, 2016
A great post and awesome re-use of that braille picture.

Frequently Mentioned Truths – Emotional Emancipation

Admit and defend your emotions ’cause they send
out the message that is you and thats the only thing thats true;

I live my life of love through Jim and Pam on The Office, now. Today, Jim took Pam to see the house he bought for her without telling her he got one. She ended up loving the house and they continue to be happy and I love that. They are the only couple left I can root for. And I know they are TV characters, but its all I’ve got. I have to hold out hope that I can enter into something that good myself, someday, but I’m not foolish. Nothing ever works out that well. Clearly.

While I live my love through Jim and Pam, though, I find that I live my real depressing life through John Arbuckle in “Garfield Minus Garfield” comics. John lives alone, never gets ahead, and simply gets stranger and stranger as his life turns more and more sad with every passing day. His life has no meaning because there is no way for him to get any meaning out of it. No outlet for his emotion and no outlet for his pain. He simply exists in sorrow.

So, while I live both my love and my loneliness through fictional characters, where does that leave me? Well, today I found out. Mostly, I just “am” right now. I take up space and I fill a gap. Perhaps that’s not enough. Perhaps thats all I’ll ever need to do.

Right now I think, maybe, I will move out in Jan-Feb, like I planned. Maybe I’ll find a way to live with Daryl, like I’d almost done back in Aug. but didn’t out of respect for my loved one’s wishes. I just can’t stay here anymore. This temporary thing I’m doing is fine until I rebuild, but there’s nothing here to rebuild toward. I have to get out. If that means hard work, so be it. But I have to get out. If I don’t, the option is staying here.

There is no other option: I’m getting out.

Do what you can
What you want
What you must
Feed the hunger inside
Don’t lose your trust

Current Location: the kingdom of ivalice

Current Mood: hungry

hungry

Current Music: trust – kmfdm

Added March 31, 2016
Moving out Jan-Feb? Ha! Good luck, Young Skyler!
I think in a way we’re all John from G-G.