You know I lost my mind Well. This stupid sickness is about to be the end of me. I don’t know what’s up, but I do know this: I hate it, whatever it is. Turns out I can’t get any better until I’ve made strides to fix my life (this is a wild assumption in no way based on the truth), so I have no choice but to turn tail and run. Although, it is more likely that I’ll just stay the course and get better naturally, since I’m not stupid enough to believe in karma or anything like that. Well, not that karma is stupid. But its nonsense if you don’t believe in it, and I don’t believe in it, so… there you go.
I’m about ready to make my first video diary for playing Primal Eyes, that piano song I’ve been learning slowly. I pretty much only have time to practice on my days off, so I don’t really get too many opportunities to continue to stay bad at it. That’s pretty much my goal, too. If I don’t play when I can, I’ll only get worse. But I don’t really think I’m getting any better at it when I do play it, so that kinda means I’m stuck just hoping I can work it out or something. I don’t know, way I figure, I’ll never get any better at it.
Had to cancel/postpone this date with Girl from Work. Primary reason is that its Thanksgiving weekend and my family will all be home on Saturday and I already work half the day so going out that night would mean I wouldn’t see them at all. Second reason is that I’m simply stalling to buy more time. I don’t know what for, though. Mayhaps I’m just waiting for some kind of sign that it’s either OK for me to show some real interest or the opposite, a dark omen of some kind. Either way, I really don’t know what I’m doing at all, here, and thats as scary – to me – as it always is. I am never in control of a situation, but usually I can convince myself otherwise so much that I survive. This is not one of those times.
Trying to get my New Year’s stuff in order, too. Aaron invited me out to his folks’ for a huge thing, my friend in Lincoln, Amber, and I have been talking somewhat about a little “going-out”-ing, and Daryl has invited me to Des Moines for adventure. My plan was, originally, to head to L.A. to spend it with Aliona, but that’s not going to happen, now. Just another example of how things I had in place were demolished within an instant. So I don’t know what I’m going to do. Sometimes, stuff just sucks so hard that I don’t even know why I bother waking up in the morning. Then I remember that, if I don’t wake up, I won’t get to complain about any of it and no one will get to be annoyed by hearing about my pain. I think thats a 50/50 situation.
Maybe all that’s left is time unspent.
exhausted“Maybe all that’s left is time unspent” – There I go again, thinking I’m smart.
I wonder how different things would be if I’d gone to Lincoln or Des Moines instead of Minnesota. I don’t believe in choice, though, so this is futile. Because to examine the possibility of past options and their respective outcomes hinges entirely on the existence of choice. Since it isn’t real, there are no possible “other outcomes” and, thus, pointless to examine.
I remember trying to learn piano, again. I’d taken lessons as a kid a bunch and I still retain some of the know-how to this very day, though in very limited capacity. “Primal Eyes” is the best song I ever managed to play, though. I wasn’t that great at it but I was getting there. Some day, maybe, I’ll complete my training.
skylerbartels 